Best 339 quotes in «sarcastic quotes» category

I am a very strong supporter of the Second Amendment. And I am ­­ I don't know if Hillary was saying it in a sarcastic manner, but I'm very proud to have the endorsement of the NRA. And it's the earliest endorsement they've ever given to anybody who ran for president. So I'm very honored by all of that.

I can resist everything except temptation.

I can be much more sarcastic and, I think, sometimes withering in my assessments of things than I allow to show in my public life.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.

If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If he wants to tell you, he'll tell you. End of story, Rose. Besides, you certainly keep your share of secrets too. You two have a lot in common." "Are you kidding? He's arrogant, sarcastic, likes to intimidate people, and—oh." Okay. Maybe she had a point.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed.

I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that one act was quite sufficient; whenever I have witnessed two acts I have gone away physically exhausted; and whenever I have ventured an entire opera the result has been the next thing to suicide.

I made myself platinum, but I was born a dirty blonde.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems I'm being rude or stupid.

I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm dumb, I smell. Did I mention I'm stupid?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

In Lubbock, we grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love.

In my work, and in my psyche, there's some very sentimental, traditional, conventional side that's always in argument with a more radical, sarcastic side. Some of my stories are really sentimental, but they're layered over with weird, satirical stuff.

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

In order to know whether a human being is young or old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat anything at any hour of the day or night.

I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound I'm being sarcastic.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Instant gratification takes too long.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find a person who they think holds the key to their happiness-the only key to their happiness... My work has always been my greatest happiness

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'