Best 571 quotes in «jokes quotes» category

The TARDIS can look like whatever it wants.

The things about which we most often jest are generally, on the contrary, the things that worry us but that we do not wish to appear to be worried by, with perhaps a secret hope of the further advantage that the person to whom we are talking, hearing us treat the matter as a joke, will conclude that it is not true.

To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that in the not-too-distant future, all the races will become so completely interbred that humanity will have a monolithic caramelish color and common facial features. There won't be blonds or hairy Jews anymore.Words like "Chink" will cease to have meaning. They will be relics, along with those who use them for comedy. Which is exactly why I am past that meta-racist shit and onto poop and pee. Onward and downward!

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Time for black jokes, what's the time?? Can you handle it!

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

what came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken. That is how it got knocked up in the first place.

What I do know is I've got a brain filled with jokes I can't forget - like a tumor the size of a grapefruit inside of my skull. And I know that eventually even dog shit turns white and stops stinking, but I have this permanent head filled with crap I've been trained my whole life to think is funny.

What's the difference between English football and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. What does the cheese say to itself in the morning? Halloumi! pg208

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny

Was he hitting some type of werewolf midlife crisis? First, he'd left Wolf Town, and now he was envisioning a mate. What next? Bird watching? Board games? Retirement homes?

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.

We take jokes way too far.

We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

What joy a forest without birds can give? And what happiness a man without jokes can create?

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747? -About 20 pounds. -Yo mama carries more passengers. -Not everyone's been on a 747.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Why, if you only knew the secrets to which I'm privy!" "My dear Lifeblesser, please trust me when I say the I have no desire to know any secrets which involve you and a privy.

Why was the meeting between the Americans and the Russians so tensed? Because nobody knows what Vladimir Put In Barbara’s Bush! From 'Walk On By II

You mean like, if a hybrid drinks from a shifter in the middle of the woods, did it really happen?" He moved closer until he was peering down at her. "What happens in the woods, stays in the woods.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.